June 22, 2020 marked 4 years since our Baby #3 was no longer with us. "Poppy" was the in-utero nickname, since the baby was the size of a poppy seed when we found out. It was too early to know the gender, but we generally refer to Poppy as a "she." I guess we'll find out for sure in heaven someday!
During the night after finding out that there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing, I discovered on some online forums that I could request our baby's remains for burial. I'm so thankful that I found this information because it is not offered as an option before the D&C procedure (we opted for this since it had been several weeks of no growth, and I wasn't miscarrying on my own). My doctor even said, "I've never been asked that before."
There's a cemetery in town that has a specific section for miscarriages. Many of the gravestones have verses etched on them. For Poppy's, we picked two verses that had been particularly meaningful to me that sleepless night after finding out that the baby inside me was no longer alive.
Isaiah 61:3 (from an older version of the NLT)
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give beauty for ashes,
joy instead of mourning,
praise instead of despair.
For the Lord has planted them
like strong and graceful oaks
for his own glory.
Matthew 13:31-32 (ESV)
31 He put another parable before them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven
is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field.
32 It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown
it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree,
so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches.”
Although I remembered generally what the verses were about, I had not committed them to memory, so I figured it was high time to do so. My favorite way of memorizing Scripture is through song, so I wrote a song with these verses word-for-word. I also added a chorus, based on some of the phrases that Jesus had highlighted for me that year as I expressed myself through art journaling in my Bible:
So this is what it means to be rooted and established
When cultivated, seeds can grow
You have plans for my branches
For Your glory, I'm a strong and graceful oak.
It was surreal picking up Poppy's remains from the hospital. This was the same hospital where we had driven away with our first two babies, but those babies were in car seats, and we brought those babies home with us. This baby, we received in the chapel from the hospital chaplain. No car seat was needed. Our first stop wasn't the baby nursery at home but the cemetery. I remember as Lucas drove, I shifted from holding the burial cradle in two hands to holding our baby in the crook of my arm the way I would normally be holding our baby. It was just our little family of four and the two cemetery staff there that day. I brought my guitar to sing
"When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord..."
The stone wasn't finished for a couple months, but I saw it again last week when I took the boys on the anniversary.
Poppy Thomas
Isaiah 61:3, Matthew 13:31-32
Here are some of my reflections from Facebook at the end of 2016.
I told my story through some of my Bible art journaling entries:
As I thought about a "word" for 2016, I settled on "seed." It kept popping up as I read the Bible that first week or so. On this page, I wrote out my prayer, "What seeds do You want me to multiply?" -- things like gratitude, joy, laughter, neighboring, creativity, etc.
This is a passage about a mustard seed that is the smallest of seeds but grows larger than the garden plants and becomes a tree for birds to come and make their branches. It made me think about how the "seeds" of love, joy, and peace can grow when I cultivate them in my heart.
On my somewhat-annual solitude weekend, I sat in the middle of a hiking path and was suddenly overwhelmed by this tall, strong tree straight ahead of me. I had been reading in Colossians, so one of my first thoughts was "So this is what it looks like to be 'rooted and established!' " Then, I was discouraged thinking about how I feel like I'm only a sapling. Jesus gently reminded me that just like I had read in Matthew, it starts with a seed. He also gently nudged me that there was more at stake than just whether or not I decided to become a tree. I heard the phrase, "I have plans for your branches." Like how the mustard tree in Matthew became a tree where birds could make nests in the branches, God has plans for ME to be an influencer to encourage and help others in need. And if I don't do the hard work of getting rooted in His Word and in His love for me, I'll never become that tree that He has designed me to be!
On the night before my D&C when I couldn't sleep, Jesus sweetly called me down to my prayer corner (in the laundry room!) where His Word came alive to me for an hours-long treasure hunt through Scripture. It was one of my worst days ever yet my best night with Jesus. This passage was central. I came here because I looked up where it talks about "double portion" because I started thinking about asking for twin girls again. I didn't realize that it was in the same section as the "beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, and praise instead of despair" part. What I didn't know was THE REASON why He brings about all that redemption -- "for the Lord has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory." A tree! I thought back to Matthew and Colossians and how God has plans for my branches! Could this be part of it?! 
Here's an overlay transparency with some of my journal entry from that night copied over here. In the bottom corner is one of our earlier ultrasounds of Poppy when we heard the heartbeat and everything was going fine.
And, finally, here's "Poppy's Song"
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