8-26-26
Dawn helped me break
my bondage to stuff
with reminders like
"Just because you like it
(or liked it at one time)
(or love the memory attached to it)
doesn't mean you need to keep it.
You can let it go."
And now I'm applying similar principles
to help me overcome
my bondage to food.
Just because you like it
(or it tastes good)
(or it makes you happy)
doesn't mean you need to eat it
(or get seconds of it)
One of my biggest struggles with food
is portion control
(eating more just because I want to,
well past the point of needing it),
so one boundary is "no seconds"
And another is "eat slower" (Put your fork down in between bites!)
So I tried those out tonight
in the silent dining room.
I knew I'd like those carrots mixed with wild rice
because they had been served separately last night
(and I, of course, as my father's daughter, mixed them up)
I got a reasonable amount on my plate
to go with my salad
And. I. ate. s-l-o-w-l-y
Man, I enjoyed every bite
So good! So good!
I closed my eyes
I thought about this gift from His bounty through Christ our Lord
I wondered at what they put into it to make it taste so good
I marveled at a God who gifted us with taste buds
and a variety of food for our pleasure
I made sure my mouth was completely empty
before spooning in my next bite
I chomped each grain of wild rice and each tender carrot
It was a spiritual experience, I tell ya!
When I was done, I was done
Old Mary wouldn't have thought twice
about returning for a heaping second helping
But no.
I can enjoy the food and receive nourishment from it
without stuffing myself
Life with boundaries is good!
8-27-26
Barb says I need lifelong food boundaries.
(which rubs me the wrong way!)
After all, I used to be able to
eat whatever I wanted
whenever I wanted
and stay at 160 lbs.
It wasn't hard at all
to lose the pregnancy weight
Well, those days are over,
and I'm delusional if I think
I can do without any boundaries
and lose/maintain my weight
I'm good at strict temporary boundaries
But what about boundaries loose enough to live with them long-term without feeling deprived
yet strict enough that they keep me from overeating?
So here's what I've come up with, for now anyways:
-2 meals/day including protein and fruit/vegetable
-5 tall glasses of water/day
-no snacks, except for special occasions
-no eating after 6 pm, except for special occasions
-eat s-l-o-w-e-r, putting fork down between bites
-no seconds
We'll see how this goes!
8-28-26
On this retreat,
I thought it would be hard to keep my food boundaries
since they serve 3 meals a day here
Turns out,
I have not minded one bit
that breakfast comes and goes
while I sit on this holy hill
I'd rather be here for the full crescendo of
dark stillness hanging on a last thread
Moon handing the reins to Sun
misty fog lingering over the valleys
brilliant pinks heralding (once again) the sun's coming
literally witnessing a sliver over the horizon burst forth into glorious day
feeling the warmth and brightness of the sun that I can no longer look at directly
Day has undeniably arrived, pushing back the darkness
And this has been happening every day of my retreat
every day of the 175 years the Abbey has been here
and back when there were no people yet wandering these knobs
or climbing this hill
When the disciples asked Jesus if he was hungry,
He replied, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish His work."
This is my manna for another day
I'm hungry only for more of His presence
8-28-26
Fudge
Not my favorite,
but I took one small sample cube that the monks had made
out to my favorite garden bench
Instead of inhaling it
and immediately grabbing another,
I savored it.
I took one nibble at a time
biting delicately on every piece of nut
and letting the chocolate flavor pervade my taste buds
Before another nibble,
I would completely clear every bit from my mouth.
I closed my eyes,
pondering this good gift.
The richness, the lavishness, the sweetness...
And when I finally finished that tiny cube,
I was grateful for the experience
but felt no need to greedily grab another --
those are for others to partake
Similarly, my retreat is coming to an end
It has been rich and flavorful,
and I have enjoyed every moment here
but I can live in the gratitude of "done"
and let other sojourners have their turn.
