Thankful Thursday - what "schooling" can look like

(I wrote this on Thursday but am just now finishing it on Friday)

The boys would have started school yesterday if they were still enrolled in the public school. Our district, like most if not all of the public school districts in Kentucky, has opted to begin completely virtual. This would mean that Carter and Calvin would have been on the computer with their class from 9:00-11:30 and then work on other things on their own in the afternoon. During that window of time, they were out on the back deck playing nicely together inventing a new variation of Mario chess that involves a goat, cow, and checkers in addition to the regular characters. We also spent an hour in the backyard, and we read books. I'm loving the flexibility that homeschooling provides. While there will definitely be more structure when we start in a week and a half, it's nice to be in charge of our own schedule and learning. 

Usually, "the first day of school" is such a definitive mark in time. This is the day you put on your first-day-of-school outfit and take a picture in front of the door and go off to start your new grade in school. I say that we're "starting" homeschool the day after Labor Day, but that just means we're starting our curriculum. Technically, we've never "stopped" schooling over the summer. We haven't done workbooks, but that doesn't equate with "school." 

Here's some of the "school" just from yesterday:

• Carter tried to make a dessert by melting a popsicle in a sugar cone. What he didn't anticipate was that the liquid would turn the cone soggy.
• Carter also made a recipe that he wanted to make for us for dinner. It involved brown sugar, flour, eggs, milk, turkey, and hot dogs. It was palatable. I think Carter and I were the only ones who ate ours, though.
• The boys made their Mario chess game variation.
• Calvin put one cup of water in the fridge and one in the freezer to see which one he'd like better.
• Whenever Calvin asks how much time we have until we can go inside, I make him figure out the elapsed time himself by telling him the current time and the time we'll go in.
• Calvin's been my assistant in potty training Cooper. We read books to him while we sat and waited.
• They practiced their piano songs and played around on the piano, too.
• They helped with their younger brothers. We tell them it's training to become a dad. :-)
• We observed lots of bugs in the dirt, including a "grub" that looked like just a shell but squirted when I pressed it.
• Colson's "schooling" involved teaching himself how to climb up on the bench and navigate our backyard.

Lord of all, to Thee we raise this our hymn of grateful praise...

41,231. making progress in the backyard

41,232. watching the boys' interactions

41,233. small habits

41,234. lots of time outside

41,235. Carter making dinner for us with a recipe he created ("turkey dogs")

41,236. love my students!

41,237. Carter and Calvin making up chess variations

41,238. Mildred Cable and Kamala Harris on audio

41,239. Cooper peeing standing up

41,240. so glad the boys weren't in "school" online today

41,241. Alice, Teresa, Candy, and Yelena on my schedule today

41,242. working on Titus 1 song

41,243. the discipline of early mornings

41,244. Lucas helping with potty training

41,245. Calvin knowing his way around the kitchen

41,246. Calvin helping to get Cooper ready for bed

41,247. "Hey! Pipe down!" -Cooper during Good Night, Good Night, Construction Site

41,248. Cooper's expanding vocabulary

41,249. lots of potty books from the library

41,250. option of curbside pickup for yearbook, library books

41,251. excited about AWANA: Home Edition

41,252. Scott Co. library had book we needed

41,253. love to listen to audiobooks while I'm working

41,254. Colson able to maneuver around the backyard hazards

41,255. visible progress with rocks and weeds

Good into Bad/Good from Bad

There's an Enemy of our souls who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He twisted Scripture into temptation for Jesus in the wilderness, so I shouldn't be surprised when he twists good things into temptations for me.  Good things can be easily twisted into pride, idolatry, and arrogance. Meanwhile, God takes the bad circumstances and situations in our lives and brings good out of them. It's up to us to see the good. The obvious biblical example that comes to mind is of Joseph who was left for dead, sold into slavery, falsely accused, and forgotten. But God. His brothers intended to harm him, but God used it for good to accomplish the saving of many lives (Genesis 50:20).  It's easy to wallow in self-pity at the current state of our world, but God is constantly calling me up to see the good. He is at work! He has not abandoned us! He is bringing good out of the hard! Will I open my eyes to see it?

(poems written on 5-16-20)

 

Good into Bad

There he goes again

    twisting my good into bad

It seems like it happens all the time

    turning a God-given talent

                                        into pride

    turning a spiritual discipline

                                        into a judgment on others

    turning a means of stepping into my calling

                                        into an obsession

    turning my church/ministry-related whatever

                                        into a temptation

It has happened with good things like

    Bible art journaling

    Scripture memorization

    VIPKid (a straight-up blessing from You)

It's so frustrating

I'm disillusioned into thinking

    that the more I seek after You

    the less I'll have to deal with temptation

Should I consider these attacks a compliment?

Should I be flattered?

    No, wait -- that leads to more pride!

Grr...

The Enemy twisted truth into lies for You, too, 

    trying to use Scripture against You in the wilderness

I should expect these attacks

    instead of letting them take me off guard

Help me put on Your armor

    as I walk in Your footsteps

Good from Bad

There You go again

    bringing good from the bad

        redeeming the broken

                                spoiled

                                forgotten

                                failure

When the Enemy intends to

    harm    divide    weaken    break

You intend to bring good

    even out of the worst circumstance

The Enemy set out to harm Joseph

    but You wove good into all the ups and downs of his life

    and it resulted in the saving

                                    of many lives

Through all this COVID craziness

    You are bringing good

        teaching me how to enjoy my family

        bringing the world together

        lifting our eyes off the shifting sands of this world

    and onto the only solid, unchanging One

Praise the Lord!

For I know that my Redeemer lives!

You are constantly bringing good

    from my missteps and inadequacies

    from the evil so prevalent in this world

    from paranoia of pandemic proportions

You are good

    and what You do is good

Teach me Your decrees

Ten Things Tuesday - Calvin 5 years ago

1. This was taken in the Fall of 2015 when Calvin was 1 1/2. 
2. I love food-in-the-hair pictures and so-sleepy-I'll-just-sleep-here pictures. This one captures both.
3. Of the four boys, he's the only one with brown hair as a toddler. Carter's has gotten darker as he has gotten older, but it started white-blond like the youngest two (and like me when I was little).
4. We still have the same high chair (now occupied by Colson). The cloth cover is back on, but I think we've forever misplaced the straps and buckle (which would come in handy since Colson is starting to wriggle his way into a standing position).
5. We no longer have that sippy cup, but we do still use those plates that Lucas has had since his bachelor days.
6. We're a peanut butter family. It goes back to my dad's most frequent request of me, "Mary, bring me the peanut butter and a spoon."
7. We left Calvin's hair long at this age because it curled in the back. Cooper's is similar, and he still hasn't gotten a haircut at 2 1/2.
8. Our dining area is carpeted, and it has taken a beating over the years. We would never pick white carpet for a house full of kids. We don't want to replace it until they get older, though.
9. This is the most common place for the high chair, but we are known to move furniture around frequently. Currently, our table is pulled up to our couch in our living room, so the high chair is over there, too.
10. It's fun seeing the same toys, furniture, and clothes used by the boys over the years. One side effect of hand-me-downs is the nostalgia factor. "I remember when..."

Back home again in Indiana...

For the first time in six months, I'm outside a 30-minute radius from our home. With the flexibility of homeschooling and with a recent negative COVID-19 test from my parents (and with Lucas under a magazine deadline), I loaded up the boys and headed north to Indiana. I love the simplicity of these days. We weren't tempted by trips to a museum or restaurant or library. I had planned on going on several walks around town, but the boys were content playing in the yard. Looking back, nothing sticks out as particularly awe-inspiring -- they enjoyed the simple pleasures of rocks, sticks, scooters, water table, and a fairy garden. We pulled out the sprinkler once (although it was rather chilly in the mornings) and had a fire with s'mores. I worked on a 1000 piece puzzle while listening to various audiobooks. The boys watched Lion Guard and Paw Patrol and whatever else Mimi had recorded. Calvin and I read Animorphs #6 and 91-Story Treehouse and 117-Story Treehouse, while Carter read them on his own and Mimi read picture books to everyone. Colson buddied up with Pa. And everyone got their fill of ice cream and Barnett's cookies. Oh, and every afternoon, I would take Cooper on a long ride in the country because that was the only way he'd settle down for a nap. I was still able to teach my classes early in the mornings and at night. So, so thankful for this change of scenery and time to connect.

41,151. a break from being "on" all the time

41,152. "Not that I have already obtained perfection, but I keep working toward the day..." (Phil 3)

41,153. So good to walk and talk with Rachel

41,154. sharing authentically

41,155. Wilbur Wright Trail

41,156. distancing AND exercising

41,157. nostalgia as I drive around

41,158. little 2 boys giggling together at bedtime

41,159. lots of fruit on hand

41,160. extended time

41,161. lots of reflection these days!

41,162. Mom's laptop able to work for classes

41,163. Wal-Mart pick-up

41,164. cookies from Barnett Company!

41,165. Memorial Park

41,166. story trail

41,167. finishing Songs in the Night Challenge

41,168. Kingdomino (and variations) with Carter

41,169. picnic in the park

41,170. remembering homecomings at the shelterhouse

41,171. finished the 1000 piece puzzle!

41,172. not too hut

41,173. listening to Atomic Habits

41,174. showing Carter AR stickers during a no show

41,175. trial classes -- easy prep, easy feedback, sometimes sns, sometimes bonus

41,176. the ability to work from anywhere

41,177. that I'm not getting ready for school right now

41,178. a cornfield country drive

41,179. ice cream!

41,180. student no shows are great in the morning when I'm trying to be quiet

41,181. lessons from the puzzle (zoom out)

41,182. Like the hull of a seed... (Sara Groves song)

41.183. how helpful Carter and Calvin are

41,184. giggles from the littles during naptime

41,185. Cooper joining Colson in the pack and play

41,186. lots of time outside

41,187. bear/ox puppet

41,188. yummy spaghetti squash

41,189. teaching Anna every day this week

41,190. audiobooks on Libby, e-books on Kindle

41,191. exciting part of Animorphs

41,192. hearing Calvin and Cooper sing/hum NIV Kids Club songs hours later

41,193. watching parts of the Democrat National Convention with Mom

41,194. bringing Pokemon for class with Yanick

Giving Up on Perfection and "Arriving"

When reading through my poetry notebooks, there are certain patterns and themes that emerge and repeat themselves. Giving up on perfection doesn't mean that I give up on improving myself, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I am finite and cannot do it all. This is a poem that is as true today as the day I wrote it two years ago.  

(poem written 4-29-18)

 

I'm coming to realize...

    no person is perfect

        or achieves perfection

    no marriage is perfect

    no school is perfect

    no church is perfect

I'll never read all the books I want to read

              visit all the places I want to visit

              accomplish all the things I want to accomplish

My to-do list will never be done

I am delusional is I think

    that once I [fill-in-the-blank], I will have "arrived"

There will always be dishes to wash

                                laundry to put away

                                nooks to organize

Can I be content in the middle of the to-do?

Instead of waiting on ______ to make me happy,

    what if I can just choose to be happy now?

What if this ache in my soul

    is meant to drive me to You?

What if the frustration of never "arriving" 

    is meant to create a longing for my arrival in heaven?

'Twas the Night before...

'Twas the night before the first day of school...except I'm no longer teaching at "my" school.  This time last year, I was so ready to be back into the routine of working and being out of the house and sending our oldest boys off to their school. My classroom was (mostly) set up. I was looking forward to another magical year teaching fifth grade.

And here I am. My "classroom" is no longer on display -- it's packed into loads of boxes. We're not officially starting homeschooling till after Labor Day. There have been no orientations, for me or for the boys. No back-to-school shopping with hard-to-find items on the supply lists. No teacher in-service (well, except for the "training" I'm giving myself by reading lots of books!). We're still kind of in the same stay-at-home pattern than we've been in for months on end. 

As I took an after-bedtime, before-sunset one-on-one walk with Calvin, I was struck with how much I love my life. (even all the craziness and chaos and noise and nonsense). Holding his hand until he'd get impatient and run ahead and then come back to me. Talking about all sorts of things -- how we should invent robots to do all the work for us, how we're both scared of dogs, how the sidewalk got cracked. It was nice. And this is our new reality. As my colleagues head to school tomorrow, I'll be home with my boys all day. As much as I used to want to get away, I'm becoming more content and grateful to stay.

Thinking about being in a separate reality from the frenzy of back-to-school prep reminded me of this poem I had written. I finally found it and was surprised that I wrote it exactly five years ago. My life was different then -- I was at another school I loved, teaching music and technology. Carter was 3 and coming to school with me for the 3-year-old preschool class. Calvin was 1 and home with Daddy. I was driving at least 30 minutes to and from school every day (which I considered an extension to Carter's preschool experience). 

I rarely write in rhyme -- it's hard to make it flow and sound natural. I think I just started with a rhyme and then kept going, even when it was a bit forced. Though my life was different five years ago and even one year ago, I can still relate and remember...

(poem written 8-11-15)

'Twas the night before the first day of school

        and all through my head

            are the shoulda, coulda, wouldas

                that fill me with dread

I should've packed our lunches

I could've gone to bed

    but I spent several hours

        on Facebook instead

I don't have plans for tomorrow

    but do I really need them?

Most already know me

    so it's hard to mislead them

I wish I'd printed rosters

    and made a powerpoint intro

I wish I'd decluttered

    and kept my to-do list central

It'll be hard to get to sleep

    and I'll wake up at 6

        just in time for breakfast to eat

            and lunches to fix

But I heard a voice

    as I drifted into the night

Don't worry. Be yourself.

    It will be all right.

   

Ten Things - Montana

This was a picture that popped up in one of my Facebook memories this summer. A participant from a YouthWorks youth mission trip to my site in Lame Deer, Montana, had posted it from the summer of 2005. When I "shared" the memory, it prompted so many thoughts and memories that I posted ten things that came to mind. I thought it would be fun from time to time on this blog to post a picture along with "ten things."  Some challenges on Facebook are to share pictures without any explanation. Well, I like the explanations :-)

1. Living for 10 weeks on the Northern Cheyenne reservation in Montana was my first experience (in America) where I was the minority. It was one of the most transformational (and amazing!) summers of my life.
2. Yes, I lived in a high school for a summer! I slept on an air mattress in a classroom, cooked food in the cafeteria, and took showers in the locker room. It's fine when there are 70+ teenagers there. It's a little unnerving when it's just you and your team of 4 over the weekends.
3. I miss those pants. They traveled with me to Thailand, Myanmar, and Lame Deer, Montana. Also, I wish people had tried harder to convince me that they are definitely pajama pants and should not be worn out and about as "regular" pants. I think I was just excited that I had pants that were long enough!
4. Max the guitar is still going strong, all these years later! He replaced "Bently" that fell apart at a youth event in Florida the summer before. I've considered Bently and Max my "learning guitars," and after almost 20(!) years of playing guitar, I don't know that I'll ever upgrade to a non-hand-me-down.
5. This is the room where we did the skit that involved using a teammate's mouth as a "bowl" to eat cereal and milk out of. How did I ever think that was okay?
6. Taco Tuesdays just aren't the same without Indian fry bread from Alfretta.
7. This is where I learned "the eagle song" that spread to my next YouthWorks site in Colorado and everywhere I've gone since then.
8. I still wear my YouthWorks hat. It's definitely not dark blue anymore. I'm kind of sad that I don't have any of my YW shirts anymore. Nonconformist!
9. I've never seen as many shooting stars as I did in that football field outside.
10. Powwow music still gets me pumped up! (Note: I'm not playing powwow music, but this picture makes me think of it!)

Here's the "powwow music" I was referring to:

Musings - Beginning my Cultural Identity Journey (White Awake)

I'm white. I come from a county in east central Indiana that is 96% white. I was never in the minority until college mission trips to Thailand and the Northern Cheyenne reservation in Montana. I've had a few jobs with some racial diversity among co-workers and kids, but for the most part, my world is still very white. With all the protests and awakenings after the murder of George Floyd in Minnesota, I've started educating myself more about white privilege and white supremacy.  It's easy to shrug off the notion of white privilege and to assume that "white supremacy" only refers to members of the KKK. My eyes are being opened, though, and I'm on a cultural identity journey.  For the most part, I don't have any new-fangled ideas or approaches. At this point, most of my words are borrowed from others. Since this is a blog about reflection, though, I also want to share my thoughts from time to time of what I'm learning about myself, my whiteness, and my role in "being the bridge" to racial unity. 

On 6-7-20, I shared on Facebook a blog post from a fellow Asbury grad, and I added these words:

I feel a bit like I do when I'm walking up the line to visit the family at a funeral visitation. I know that I should say something, but I don't know what to say and I don't want to say the wrong thing and I don't want to offend and I don't want to offer just a cliche...so...I end up not saying anything. Or maybe mumbling a "sorry" or trying to be upbeat and light-hearted to break the tension. I'm finding, though, that staying silent isn't the answer either, no matter how awkward it is to speak up. The wheels have been turning in my head about what to say, what my response is, what my plan of action is, but I'm not there, yet. In the meantime, these words resonated with me, and I'll share them until I have words of my own. Thanks, Stacey!

Some excerpts from her post:
"We must be keenly aware that speaking up on FB, taking a stand on InstaGram, sharing truth on Twitter PALES in impact to speaking up around your dining room table. Sharing truth on our pages PALES in comparison to doing the genuine, sacrificial, painful, messy relational work needed for true change."

"If change begins at HOME—and it DOES—then let's get some people into our homes...not just our Facebook feeds. If at the root this sin issue is a HEART issue, NOT a political issue—and it IS—then let's invite God to do the heart work; let's be urgently praying for soft hearts for our countries, let's be His vessels as we speak His truth in love, that hearts might hear."

In my quest to learn more, I've starting reading books about the topic and books by people of color (Five stars for Michelle Obama's Becoming, especially the audiobook in her own voice!). At first, I discounted Daniel Hill, who wrote White Awake, since he himself is white, but it was eye-opening to read his journey through the stages of encounter, denial, disorientation, shame, self-righteousness, and awakening. I could see myself in many of the common responses and issues when white people start to consider all that it entails to be white. For example, a common first response is "What am I supposed to do?" It seems noble to immediately want to fix things, but our goal first should be to see differently and to lament the brokenness of systemic racism. In one of the final chapters, he outlines seven markers to know that we are headed in the right direction. This chapter in many ways summed up some of the main themes of the book. Since I borrowed the book from the library (and therefore can't make my own notes and underlines), I wanted to remember some of these concepts as I continue on this cultural identity journey:

Marker 1 - Becoming Theologically Awake

"Therefore, an awakening to justice reconciliation, and cultural identity begins with seeing the full expression of Jesus with increasing clarity." 

"To be theologically awake...is to hold together activism and evangelism; protest and prayer; personal piety and social justice; intimacy with Jesus and proximity to the poor."

Marker 2 - Recognizing the Kingdom Battle over the Imago Dei

"This is why the sin of racism is so serious. The system of race, at its core, is a revaluation of human worth. Instead of ordering human value around the doctrine of the imago Dei [image of God], it ascribes value based on proximity to whiteness."

"I challenged this friend to take note of the unexamined ways race had shaped the way he viewed everything, in light of a black Jesus seeming sacrilegious while a white Jesus was comfortable for him."

"The kingdom of this world continues to accommodate and promote a racial hierarchy...and attempts to deceive white people into cowering in fear and trying to protect what we believe is our racial birthright. The kingdom of God, on the other hand, ...shouts from the mountaintops that all human beings are created in the image of God and are therefore inherently valuable."

Marker 3 - No Longer Being Defensive about White Supremacy

"Once white supremacy is understood as the evil and dangerous system it is, the common enemy becomes abundantly clear. The enemy is not each other; this is not white people versus people of color. No, the enemy is white supremacy, and the evil one leverages that system for destructive purposes. It's a dark and dangerous system, and it must be opposed and dismantled at all costs."

Marker 4 - Dismantling White Supremacy Trumps the Seeking of Diversity

"One of the first blindness-to-sight discoveries for a white person (or church) tends to be the aha moment when she realized her world is almost entirely white. When this epiphany happens, there's an almost immediate desire to pursue diversity."

"Nothing is more critical [in our cultural identity efforts] than to pursue the dismantling of white supremacy, both in the prisons of our own minds and in the toxic structures that everyday people participate in. From there we can pursue diversity, but only when the main priority is clear."

Marker 5 - Changing the Evaluation of Growth from "What am I supposed to do?" to "How well do I see?"

"We aren't engineers who need technical training on how to disassemble and reassemble the pieces of race; instead, we are blind wanderers who need help to see a world that functions according to a different set of rules than what we've been raised with."

Marker 6 - Recognizing Privilege Faster and with Greater Precision

"Make a personal commitment to never lead from privilege without first accessing the voices of those on the margins -- particularly those most affected by whatever endeavor you're undertaking."

Marker 7 - Living in a State of Hopeful Lament

"We aren't supposed to ignore, anesthetize, or screen out this grief. In fact...to be relatively conscious is to be in a state of lament almost all the time. To be awake is to see clearly the sorrows that come in this world."

"Lament is a beautiful and needed resource because it has a unique way of remaining awake to sorrow without succombing to it. Lament allows us to grieve injustice but not fall into despair. We can be awake to the pain of the world but still press forward in faith because of another beautiful word at the center of the gospel: hope."

"We remember that hope was never found in our ideas, solutions, or proposals in the first place; hope always has been and always will be found in Christ alone. We remember that Jesus will eventually make all things right and that our hope is found in this truth. But we remember that he is ushering in the kingdom of God -- right here and right now."

He ended with some words from Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior, in his Letter from Birmingham Jail (which I need to read!). 

I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the... Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate...Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.

And here I thought all this time that as long as I wasn't a full-blown racist or white supremacist, I was fine. At least I wasn't like those people. But I have been the "white moderate" with "shallow understanding." 

No more.

This cultural identity journey will take the rest of my life, but I will no longer settle for pretending the issue doesn't exist in the present day. It's time to wake up!