Abbey of Gethsemani
8-26-26
15(!) years ago
was my first retreat here
I was in a dark place
mentally and spiritually,
hanging on by a thread
I don't remember much about that retreat
except that I never walked the grounds
so I missed those glorious sunrises and sunsets
And when I returned home to Johns Turn Trail,
Lucas surprised me with a new keyboard,
a gift I didn't know to ask for
but that restored my spirit
and has filled our home with melodies for a decade and a half now
It's crazy to catalog how much my life has changed
since 2011, back when I was newly married, depressed, and pregnant
I became a mom to 5(!) sons earthside and 2 children in heaven
We said goodbye to 3 of Lucas' grandparents and my dad
We moved to our beloved home
I experienced a step function in my spiritual growth, once stagnant for years
I taught in 3 different schools and then at home (never would've imagined that!)
We went from Quest to simple church to LexCity to Covid home church to FAC
We traveled with our boys to 35 states and counting
We survived a worldwide pandemic
I started memorizing Scripture
(10 books of the Bible, 4 trips to camp, 5 summers of Psalms)
I continued taking solitude retreats (10 since then)
I have stepped into my calling as a connector--connecting others to God, His Word, and each other
We are 30 days away from setting sail for our family adventure in Japan!
I'm a completely different person in 2026
with countless experiences, struggles, and victories since 2011
and yet that 2011 Mary is still inside of me
an inner ring
as my tree-life continues to expand
And the seed of 2026 Mary
was inside 2011 Mary
Seeds of discipline
faithfulness
perseverance
choosing life
following Jesus step by step by step
orienting my decisions toward Him
Well, I'm reaping now
"for at the proper time,
you will reap a harvest
if you do not give up."
I can't see what the next 15 years will bring
but I can case a vote today
by my actions and habits
toward who 2041 Mary will be
"My greatest gift to God is the person I'm becoming." (Dallas WIllard?)
1991 Mary made a decision to orient the trajectory of her life toward Jesus
so whatever comes my way,
I aim to look more like Jesus.
8-26-26
Around 10 years ago,
I was about to get pregnant with Poppy,
and You spoke to me clearly
on that solitude retreat at Cedars
what became part of "Poppy's Song"
"So this is what it means to be rooted and established!
When cultivated, seeds can grow.
You have plans for my branches
For Your glory, I'm a strong and graceful oak."
I sensed that it mattered
that I lean into You in my despair
not only for my own spiritual health
but for the "birds of the air"
who would "come and make nests" in my branches
My branches in 10 years
would only be robust enough
if I plowed the ground
and cultivated the seeds then
It mattered that I do the work
to be rooted and established in His love
and let Him do the work of growing me up
You did have plans for my branches
and now I'm in a time of harvest
even as I continue to till and plant more seeds
In March 2016, I had no idea
that I'd get pregnant, miscarry, carry 3 more boys, and miscarry again
that I'd go on to memorize 10 books of the Bible
(I was just at the beginning of my Scripture memory journey then)
that I'd go through a season of disillusionment and doubt
that I'd start taking seriously my responsibility to disciple my sons
that I'd be leading and serving in the church and outside the church
that I'd be thriving in my calling as a connector
that my connecting would go to the next level
when I started learning Japanese
and organizing meet-ups with 30+ Japanese women
A full-circle moment
was when I was able to comfort Eriko
with the comfort I myself had received when I walked through my miscarriage
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!
The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort!
The pain of 2016 wasn't wasted
The pain of 2016 wasn't wasted
Pain and struggle can become fertile soil
You can bring beauty from ashes
joy instead of mourning
praise instead of despair
I'm living it!
Not overnight,
but over time,
I have become a strong and graceful oak
not for my glory
but for Yours
8-26-26
Last summer,
when I came here for 5 days of peace,
I walked the trails
witnessed sunrises and sunsets
joined the monks for prayer-songs
read and reflected and wrote
Among the things I wrote
was that I wasn't leaving my retreat with a step-by-step plan
for overcoming my messiness
It felt like an area of perpetual defeat.
I had no idea that hope and victory were on the horizon
Just three months later,
I would go on a decluttering spree
and remove 5 full vanloads of clutter from our house
I don't know that I've "arrived"
and I haven't been perfect
but "stuff" is no longer a stronghold in my life
I also had no idea of the family adventure on the horizon.
Just five months after my retreat,
we would book our trip to Japan!
We had dreamed for years about going
I had dabbled with Japanese for awhile
I wanted one Japanese friend but had no luck
But booking our trip set into motion
dreams becoming dates
language learning shifting into high gear
and the floodgates opening with too many Japanese friends!
A lot can happen in a year!
On these retreats away,
I marvel at Your creation, yes,
but I also marvel at what You're creating in me
Ever grateful
いつもありがとう
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